Over before it's begun

So, I feel like a great big fool, and am embarrassed for not having waited until all things were double confirmed and stamped and sealed and I was actually inside of the clinic to begin a blog.

Uh... Not doing it anymore.

It's really too hard and complicated and silly to explain all of the details, but essentially, I cannot participate in this round of the study, though they'd like me to participate in October or November when they'll be doing the identical study with the same test groups. To be honest, I woke up this morning really feeling reticent about doing it, and it was a wait until 4pm to get the final "yes" or "no" from the clinic (again, too hard to explain), and when it was finally determined that I wouldn't be participating today, I felt immediately relieved. As did my parents and my brother, by the way. But I also started crying, because I NEED THAT MONEY!!! And then I realized how much I've been relying on getting that paycheck, and relying less on the miraculous ways that God provides.

So, I'm back to $24.00 in my checking account, and believing this won't last forever. And it won't! And maybe my liver will last a little bit longer.

I am so sorry for leading you all on, though. Please forgive me! Twas not intentional by any stretch of the imagination.

Have a wonderful weekend! xoxo ~Vanessa

Two more coffees to go.

I am currently enjoying my morning brew - I have only one more morning (tomorrow) to imbibe, and then it's cold turkey for 13 days. No coffee, no wine. No exercise. No freedom... It's sinking in... To be honest, I'm starting to get a little sad. I am realizing now that, among other things, this will be an exercise in self-deprivation. I will see how much I've become attached to some things that I probably shouldn't be so attached to. Not that they're inherently bad things, but things that I should be able to live happily without. Like (gulp) ...coffee.

I went to a friend's concert last night, and had the sense that is was one of my last nights to enjoy life. I felt a little teary about it as I drove around Los Angeles, feeling my freedom, singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs. I reveled in the fact that I could stay out as long as I wanted, eat whatever I wanted... I know it sounds stupid, because it really is only 13 days, but I just felt like I needed to try and capture the feeling of independence. Like I was going to need to try and relive it in my imagination very soon.

I spoke to Angela, the coordinator of the study, on the phone yesterday. We are to begin the check-in process with a bag search. They're looking for contraband of the ingestible variety (alcohol, cigarettes, chocolate, even Advil) because the sole purpose of our sequestration from the world is that we put nothing into our bodies that has not been sanctioned by them. I have to fast before my check in for at least 8 hours, and then they'll do the first blood draw. We can check-in between the hours of 8am and 2pm, and I chose 2pm to extend my liberty for as long as possible. I know that we can leave the building occasionally to walk around the parking lot, but that an attendant will have to have visual contact with us at all times. Sounding a little like prison yet? But, I also know those same attendants are at our beck and call if we need water, a dvd, a board game, and (this is a hopeful addition) a backrub? We'll see.

Tomorrow at 2pm. D-day. I don my guinea pig sheath of shame and subject myself to the whims of science all for a few bucks. And, hopefully, for your general education and enjoyment.

$3500 is a pretty big incentive...

Especially when you're just barely making ends meet with your hostessing job(s), and you can't get ANYONE to respond to the resumes you keep flinging out into cyberspace flaunting all of your experience in education and administration...

But, you know, in all honesty, I don't want a job in education and/or administration. I want to be a musician. I have been working for YEARS at being a musician and am currently recording cd #4. Do I make money doing this? Well... money, yes. A living wage, no. Do I want to quit? No, I don't. So, in the meantime while I search for the job I don't really want in order to afford the job I DO want, I smile and seat people for a few hours at a restaurant everyday, and then scour craigslist - every unemployed person's bff - a few times a week to see what's "out there". Lo and behold a few weeks ago, I saw this:

"Healthy Caucasians for Medical Study. $3500 Compensation"

I opened it up, and inside it said very little, just essentially, "Email us with your number and we'll call you back soon." I went to a little meeting after they called me and I met the height and weight requirements (thank God) and the next step was a full physical examination. I took the full physical - noting that it was free and I don't have insurance, so, yay! - and this last week got a call that I'm very healthy, and therefore am a shoe-in for the study.

I'll get into more details later, but here's the gist of it: Roche pharmaceuticals, the Swiss giants of medical industry that they are, are constantly enlisting people such as myself to test how the body eliminates a certain new drug once they've tested its efficacy and general safety on both animals and "effected" populations. There is a clinic here in Orange County that is used specifically for the purpose of conducting clinical trials, and Roche always uses this company (as I'm sure other pharmaceutical companies do, as well.) This is a hepatitis-C medication which will be used in combination with a current hepatitis-C medication to hopefully increase it's efficacy. Given in outlandish doses to animals, the worst side-effects were diarrhea and vomiting. Given in human doses to hep-C effected people, the side-effects were nausea and lack of appetite. (Lemme just say, if I can get some of the latter side effect, I will not complain.) Doctors have assured us all that they anticipate absolutely no side effects, and that the purpose of the study is to simply see how our bodies eliminate it, and to see if the elimination process is similar to that of those infected with hep-C. As an interesting side note, they are also testing healthy Japanese people. From what I understand, it will be the Caucasian group for the first 7 days, and then the Japanese come in to join us. They didn't test us for racial tolerance, so I'm hoping that won't be an issue with some of my soon-to-be friends.

I am not afraid. I researched it enough, and am not concerned about the resulting health of my body. In fact, many of us will be receiving a placebo, though of course we won't know who until after the study is completed, but the possibility exists that nothing foreign will be entering my body at all. However, I am a little, um, "concerned" that I am going to go absolutely nuts being sequestered in a tiny clinic for 13 days and 12 nights with no friends, no visitors, no outside time, and no independence. That's all part of the deal, folks. I will have unlimited internet and telephone access, but cannot actually "see" anyone or "go" anywhere. I will be stuck with strangers in a relatively small space for almost 2 weeks and cannot escape them. Not that I anticipate wanting to, but you can already imagine I'm sure how many other crazy people out there (like me) are doing this. I'm not sure how much fun they're going to be to hang out with. Although they could be massively fun. Maybe I will meet my husband. "How did you two meet?" "Oh, it's the funniest story..." Regardless of how happy or sad it may be, if I can survive it, then at the end of the race, I get a $3500 check. And considering my financial welfare at this juncture, it is kind of a no-brainer that I at least attempt it.

So, I invite you on this journey. Blogging about it will make me feel more journalistic, more apt to hang in there, and less guineapiggish. Although, who am I kidding? I mean, I will still be poked and prodded and analyzed. The powers that be will not be too concerned with my name or my talents, my hopes and dreams. They'll be more interested in the color of my urine sample and whether or not I drank all of my orange juice.

It all starts this Friday, September 24th, when I will check into the facility in the morning, not to leave again until October 5th. It's Tuesday night now... the countdown begins...